One day, they sent us out to a “personality clinic” to have our personality types assessed and identify any potential character flaws.

When we finally got finished, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.

“That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’” he said. “And based on that, considering we’ve been married 23 years, she’d hand me a bill for $798,000.”

She had swallowed her dog’s heart worm pill by mistake. I knew it wouldn’t harm her, but by law, I’m forbidden to give medical advice.

“If your dog had swallowed your pill, then you’d call me,” I explained. “In this case, you really should consult with your own physician.”

“But it’s one in the morning!” she exclaimed. “I can’t wake my doctor.”

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the tablet down his throat and guzzles water until he finally gets it swallowed. Then he hobbles back into the examining room.

Eventually, the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Okay,” he says. “After the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.”

When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all decks.

However, when Bob went to Michelle’s house with her, he couldn’t believe the disorganization. “Why is everything in its place on your ship,” he asked, “but your house is such a mess?”

“My house,” Michelle said, “does not take 30-degree rolls.”

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer looked very pleased. “The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight. He’s like a machine!”

“Wow,” said Banker Bill, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asked Banker Bill.

“I don’t know, but they kind of taste like peppermint.”

One day I was feeling especially depressed about this and couldn’t wait to get home to change. When I arrived, I found that my friend and her 18-month-old daughter had been waiting for me.

My friend is married to a Marine, and my worries about appearing less than feminine only increased when her little girl glanced up at me and yelled happily, “Daddy’s home!”

(1) Religion

(2) Sexuality

(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ paper in the class:

“Oh my God, I’m pregnant! I wonder who the father is.”

When asked by the Grand Jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he ran away, she replied under oath: “Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click.”

She was acquitted.

When it arrived, we climbed into the front seat. While the driver was hooking up the car, the salesman turned to me with a smile and said, “Well, now, what is it going to take to put you behind the wheel of that beauty today?”

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally… I assumed you had stolen the car.”