Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half-brother.”

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, “There’s trouble still.

“You cannot marry Will, my gal,
And please don’t tell yo’ mother.
But Will and Joe, and several mo’
I know is yo’ half-brother.”

Susie Lee’s po’ heart was broke
From running out of men
She’d hesitate to take a mate
If they were all half-kin.

There was no boy that she could find
Without that fatal flaw.
She had no clue what she could do,
So, Susie told her Ma.

But Ma just laughed and said, “My child,
Just do what makes yo’ happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe…
You ain’t no kin to Pappy.”

The wife, after sleeping soundly for an hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go on to the party. Because her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she’d have some fun by watching to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband’s costume in the crowd. She could hardly believe her eyes — the man was cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. So she decided to get a little revenge. She sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive woman herself, persuaded him to leave his current partner in favor of the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wanted, since she really wanted the goods on him. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars where they “enjoyed themselves.” Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, ready to hammer him for whatever explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

“You know, I actually didn’t even dance a single dance,” he replied. “When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you, I loaned my costume to your brother, and he said he had a blast!”

One day, they sent us out to a “personality clinic” to have our personality types assessed and identify any potential character flaws.

When we finally got finished, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.

“That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’” he said. “And based on that, considering we’ve been married 23 years, she’d hand me a bill for $798,000.”

They had pretty much nailed down the details on how much insurance she and her husband would need, how long they’d need it, and so forth.

Finally, Jill asked, “Suppose I only sign up for insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably 20 to life.”

After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.

“Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife,” replied the Reverend.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor $50.

The pastor looked at Tom’s wife and gave him $45 change.

They went down to the jewelry store to pick one out. As they waited for the clerk, she said to her husband, “My eyes aren’t as good as they used to be, so I’d really like diamonds I can see.”

Having overheard their conversation, a guy standing nearby remarked, “You know, buddy, it’d be cheaper if you just bought her some glasses.”

The two men watched as the ladies hit their shots, carried on animated conversations and taking their own sweet time to finish play totally ignoring the twosome behind them. The more they watched, the more frustrated and angry the two men became as their round was slowed to a snail’s pace.

Finally one of the men said, “I’m going to drive up to those ladies, give them a piece of my mind and tell them they better let us play through or else!”

As his companion watched, the first man drove up the cart path got about half the way to the ladies, abruptly turned around and returned to the tee.

The second golfer asked, “What did they say?”

The first said, “I couldn’t say anything. As I got closer I realized that one of the ladies is my wife and the other is my mistress.”

“That’s OK, I’ll go talk to them,” replied the second man as he jumped into the cart and headed toward the women.

Suddenly he too made a U-turn and headed back to his playing partner.

As he approached the tee he said, “Small world, isn’t it!”

“No,” I replied.

“Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”

“I really don’t have any,” I said.

“How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” she tried.

“I don’t need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash,” I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then she asked, “Are you looking for a wife?”