Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half-brother.”

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, “There’s trouble still.

“You cannot marry Will, my gal,
And please don’t tell yo’ mother.
But Will and Joe, and several mo’
I know is yo’ half-brother.”

Susie Lee’s po’ heart was broke
From running out of men
She’d hesitate to take a mate
If they were all half-kin.

There was no boy that she could find
Without that fatal flaw.
She had no clue what she could do,
So, Susie told her Ma.

But Ma just laughed and said, “My child,
Just do what makes yo’ happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe…
You ain’t no kin to Pappy.”

The wife, after sleeping soundly for an hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go on to the party. Because her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she’d have some fun by watching to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband’s costume in the crowd. She could hardly believe her eyes — the man was cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. So she decided to get a little revenge. She sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive woman herself, persuaded him to leave his current partner in favor of the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wanted, since she really wanted the goods on him. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars where they “enjoyed themselves.” Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, ready to hammer him for whatever explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

“You know, I actually didn’t even dance a single dance,” he replied. “When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you, I loaned my costume to your brother, and he said he had a blast!”

One day, they sent us out to a “personality clinic” to have our personality types assessed and identify any potential character flaws.

When we finally got finished, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.

“That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’” he said. “And based on that, considering we’ve been married 23 years, she’d hand me a bill for $798,000.”

They had pretty much nailed down the details on how much insurance she and her husband would need, how long they’d need it, and so forth.

Finally, Jill asked, “Suppose I only sign up for insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably 20 to life.”

“You’re in great shape. You must work out a lot.”

Flattered, she gave him a big smile and gushed, “Oh, thank you so much! You know, you’re kinda cute yourself.”

The next day I was with a different group, and the same woman drove up in the cart. “Watch this,” I whispered to my friends.

I walked up to her and said, “Wow, you’re in great shape! You must work out a lot.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “You should try it yourself.”

1. If you are really, really broke, buy us anything for the car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

2. If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy us anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “Okay. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” No one knows why.

3. When in doubt, buy us cordless drills. It doesn’t matter if we already have one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. A man can never have too many cordless drills. Again, no one knows why.

4. Do not buy us socks. Do not buy us ties. And never buy us bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

5. You can buy us new remote controls to replace the ones we’ve worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch us go wild as we flip, and flip, and flip…

6. Do not buy us any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

7. Do not buy us industrial-sized canisters of aftershave or deodorant. Men do not stink. We are “earthy.”

8. Label makers are excellent gifts — almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

9. Never buy us anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin our Special Day and there will always be parts left over.

10. Good places to shop for us include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears’ Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if we doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”

11. Men enjoy danger. That’s why we never cook in the kitchen, but we’ll be all about grilling. A five-burner stainless-steel gas grill almost can’t be beaten, but for added bonus points, be sure to mention that one of the gas lines leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

12. Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, we will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

13. Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. Everyone should know why, but if you’re unsure, please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when we get label makers.

14. It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

15. We love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

O’Donnell remarks, “Ye know, O’Shea, we’ve had great sport together for many years. It just came to moind that should it be I who happens to go first, it’d mean a great deal to me if ye’d say a few koind words at me grave.”

“That I’ll do, O’Donnell, that I’ll do,” O’Shea replied. “But should it be I who happens to go first, I’d be forever grateful if ye’d pour a bottle of foine Irish whiskey o’er me grave for old times sake.”

“That I’ll do, O’Shea,” said O’Donnell. “That I’ll do… but would ye mind it too very much if it should happen to pass through me kidneys first?”

I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

“Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?” I asked.

“Have you tried a wife?” he replied.

After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.

“Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife,” replied the Reverend.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor $50.

The pastor looked at Tom’s wife and gave him $45 change.

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate bleu cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright-colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no

Internet or Internet chat rooms…WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL.

If YOU are one of them… CONGRATULATIONS!