Comedy Footprint » Drinking / Alcohol

The Beverage Cart Driver

Stinky — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 03:08:17 +0000

Teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart. As my buddy reached for his wallet, he said to her,

“You’re in great shape. You must work out a lot.”

Flattered, she gave him a big smile and gushed, “Oh, thank you so much! You know, you’re kinda cute yourself.”

The next day I was with a different group, and the same woman drove up in the cart. “Watch this,” I whispered to my friends.

I walked up to her and said, “Wow, you’re in great shape! You must work out a lot.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “You should try it yourself.”

The Irish Drinking Buddies

Stinky — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 02:21:19 +0000

Two elderly Irish drinking buddies, O’Shea and O’Donnell, are sitting at the pub musing on the end of life.

O’Donnell remarks, “Ye know, O’Shea, we’ve had great sport together for many years. It just came to moind that should it be I who happens to go first, it’d mean a great deal to me if ye’d say a few koind words at me grave.”

“That I’ll do, O’Donnell, that I’ll do,” O’Shea replied. “But should it be I who happens to go first, I’d be forever grateful if ye’d pour a bottle of foine Irish whiskey o’er me grave for old times sake.”

“That I’ll do, O’Shea,” said O’Donnell. “That I’ll do… but would ye mind it too very much if it should happen to pass through me kidneys first?”

Do-Re-Mi Beer — By Homer J. Simpson

Stinky — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 21:14:42 +0000

(Sung to the tune of “Doe, A Deer” from “The Sound of Music”)

DOUGH… the stuff…that buys me beer…

RAY….. the guy that sells me beer…

ME…… the guy… who drinks the beer,

FAR….. the distance to my beer

SO…… I think I’ll have a beer…

LA…… La la la la la la beer

TEA….. no thanks, I’m drinking beer…

That will bring us back to… (Looks into an empty glass)

D’OH!

Some Things You Just Can’t Explain

Stinky — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 20:06:16 +0000

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… and… well, some things you just can’t explain.

The Tightwad Bartender

Stinky — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:03:44 +0000

The bartender at a British pub had gotten a well-deserved reputation as a tightwad. One day, two blokes stopped by for a drink. They called the bartender over and asked him to settle an argument.

“Look,” said the first bloke. “I say there’s two pints in a quart, and me mate here says there’s four. Which is it?”

“There be two pints in a quart,” answered the bartender.

The two blokes moved back down to the other end of the bar, and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

“Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us.”

The barmaid told the men that she doubted her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows offered to check. He called out to the bartender at the other end of the bar, “You did say two pints, didn’t you?”

“That’s right,” the bartender called back. “Two pints.”