Men’s Advice to Women on Gift Buying

Men’s Advice to Women on Buying Us Gifts

1. If you are really, really broke, buy us anything for the car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

2. If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy us anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “Okay. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” No one knows why.

3. When in doubt, buy us cordless drills. It doesn’t matter if we already have one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. A man can never have too many cordless drills. Again, no one knows why.

4. Do not buy us socks. Do not buy us ties. And never buy us bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

5. You can buy us new remote controls to replace the ones we’ve worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch us go wild as we flip, and flip, and flip…

6. Do not buy us any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

7. Do not buy us industrial-sized canisters of aftershave or deodorant. Men do not stink. We are “earthy.”

8. Label makers are excellent gifts — almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

9. Never buy us anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin our Special Day and there will always be parts left over.

10. Good places to shop for us include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears’ Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if we doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”

11. Men enjoy danger. That’s why we never cook in the kitchen, but we’ll be all about grilling. A five-burner stainless-steel gas grill almost can’t be beaten, but for added bonus points, be sure to mention that one of the gas lines leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

12. Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, we will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

13. Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. Everyone should know why, but if you’re unsure, please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when we get label makers.

14. It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

15. We love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.